I am Enough

Time for a real life post here....this may get lengthy and I might ramble a bit, so I apologize in advance. I have a lot on my heart these days and I'm feeling the need to share it with y'all this beautiful Sunday. 

Some of you may have noticed that I've been more than MIA the past month or 2 and it's because we've decided to put our house on the market and find us a little piece of land a little further north....or west....still trying to figure that out (that's besides the point). Anyway, if you know us at all, you might know that 3 months after we got married, our house burned down. I'm talking our little 1985 single-wide trailer burned like a matchstick in under 30 minutes. Gone. Everything. We literally walked away with our dogs, the clothes on our backs and the few things we hoped to salvage. That was 10 years and 3 kids ago. We've since bought 2 houses and moved 3 times. It's amazing the amount of STUFF we have accumulated in that amount of time. I've been a busy bee trying to de-clutter our house just to get it ready to put on the market. It's taken me a month. A whole month just to get to this point. Insane! But I look around my house now at how CLEAN it looks and wonder why we needed all of that "stuff" in the first place. Now, some of it's pictures and mementos, but some of it's just junk. Hopefully when I start to unpack wherever we end up I'll be ready to let it go. 

During this process, I've also had to clean my house. Not just dust here and there and vacuum and mop. No, I'm talking get out the magic eraser, several containers of Lysol wipes, furniture polish and go to town. I couldn't tell you the last time my house was this clean. My husband and I wondered why it couldn't be this clean ALL the time. Um, hello. We have kids. Three of them between 6 and 2 and they are into everything! And I'm also running a business from our home.....and we're just BUSY.

We are in a constant state of chaos around here, and it took me a long time to realize that I can't do it all. I can't be the perfect housewife, perfect mom, run the perfect business and keep my act together all at the same time. Something had to give, and unfortunately, it was my house. I'll pick up toys, do dishes and laundry and the house may look somewhat presentable, but actually cleaning it was no longer on the agenda. I'd love to hire a maid, but probably never will on a regular basis because quite frankly, the kids eat a lot, and that's grocery money! Plus, I get ambitious and think I'll clean my house. Ha.

About the time I began realizing I couldn't do it all, evil reared its ugly head and started to whisper in my ear. "You're NOT a good wife. You're NOT a good mom. You're NOT a good friend. Your business is going to FAIL." And I believed it all. I still do, some days. Sitting in church this morning, the youth pastor was delivering the message and one thing he said that sticks with me is, living in the dark is easier than living in the light. Because in the light, our imperfections are showing, even amplified. We all do things in the dark that we would never do in the light. It may be something as simple as dancing, for example, or it could be how we talk to and about people. God literally breathed life into us and gives us SO much to be thankful for every single day, and yet evil has nothing to give us. But what it can do to destroy our faith in God is breathe negativity into us in the dark. Whisper in our ear "You're not good enough....is God really going to do that for you?....you've done some really bad stuff, he's not going to forgive ALL of that...." Y'all, this hit me like a ton of bricks. I am so guilty of getting in my head and telling myself I'm not a good wife, mom, daughter, friend, follower of Christ. I'm not worthy of any of this, this life He's given me. Why would God give me all of these things when I continue to fail him every day? The struggle is real. SO real. I have to remind myself that I'm not the best there is, but I'm doing the best I can. I have the best of intentions with everything I do, but lately I've been so overwhelmed with all we have going on, I'm literally forgetting little details (like a friend's job change, or conversations I've had with my husband). And I have to remind myself constantly to just give it all to God. All of it. His plan is far greater than anything I have planned, and I AM enough. 

I have days where I wonder how in the world I'm not certifiably crazy. I have days where I want to throw in the towel with The Peach because life would be much less hectic (at least I think it would be). I have days where I park my kids in front of the TV with their tablets for I don't even know how long, just so I CAN get stuff done without 2354238 interruptions. I have days where I am that mom coming into school on 2 wheels, breakfast still on my kids' faces, dragging them by their hands saying "hurry up, we're late!" Wait, who am I kidding...that's most days. I wish I could be that mom that has everything planned out way in advance and wasn't sending out birthday invites a week before the party. The one that showers, blow dries, fixes her hair AND puts on makeup all in the same day. The one that ISN'T driving the hot mess express to crazy town. But I'm none of those. I know this is a season of life and one day I'll miss it all, but living in it right now is just plain hard. I wouldn't trade any of it, though.

I struggle with accepting that this is my life now. It's chaotic, at best. Finding a routine that works for my family and I has been hard, and it's not the greatest. Maybe one day I'll get it together, maybe not. I'm in a constant state of "hurry", it seems. This is where evil has found it's easiest to get to me. So I'll just keep praying. And maybe start reading the Bible, because that's something I've never done but always wanted to. 

I know I'm not alone in this struggle. Just remember you ARE enough, God loves you, Jesus loves you, your family and friends love you. They see you and all that you have going on. Don't let evil whisper in your ear, and if you hear those nasty words creep into your mind, just pray. Pray for Jesus to take the wheel and show you that you are enough. He's listening, He knows what's on your heart, even when you can't find the words.

Listen for His words. He talks to us more than we know, and if we're tuned in to Him, evil has a harder time getting in and we can't go down the rabbit hole of "I'm not good enough". 

He loves you. I love you. Y'all have a great Sunday!

- Jenny

 

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